Thursday, August 27, 2009

Indecision

One of the things that put me on the path to this project was realizing that I seem to have lost the ability to trust my opinions and decisions on simple and complex matters.  At times I think I must be crazy - my husband fondly (I hope) says I'm being a "flip-flop" when I keep changing my mind.  Over and over.  Again and again.

Here we are, needing to renew the phone contract and upgrade our cell phones.  Considering my last "new" phone conked out after about 6 months, and I have run through my old phone, my older phone, and I think another one for good measure, I am READY for a new phone.  We don't do the phone/internet thing, so how hard could it be to find a basic phone? 

I researched online.  I went to the AT&T store and tried them out.  I asked for opinions from my friends and family.  It was time to make the decision.  What did I do?  I narrowed it down to 2 choices, and then told my honey to pick for me.  So he did.  He picked one of the two for me, and the other for himself.  This is making me very unhappy.

You see, the root cause of my indecision is a fear that I might not make the "best" choice.  Whether it be what restaurant I eat dinner at, a new sofa, how to educate our kiddos, or a phone, I might make a choice and then find out that I would have preferred something else, or even worse, that I want something else and someone I know has it/got it/ decided "correctly" - you get the picture.  Yep, I think I am staring the root of my indecision in the face.  It's pretty ugly.  That 4 letter word that has been around since the garden of Eden: pride. 

Here I am, checking out my new toy, looking over at his new toy and wondering if it is going to turn out to be "better" than mine.  Is that pathetic or what!?!  It was seriously bugging me.  So much that I let him know I was irritated that he didn't just get us the same phone so I didn't have to deal with these feelings.  Good gravy, I'm not a baby.  This is, dare I say it, STUPID. 

So our phones are not the same.  His might have some stuff that is cooler than mine.   Does it matter?  I hope not.  It's a PHONE.  They both work for having conversations, which is why we have them.  Therefore, I am making a purposeful decision to like my phone.  It was the one I really wanted, which my man (who knows me rather well) could tell.  I just didn't want to commit.  So I'm gonna like it.  I'm not going to waste any time looking over at his to see if it is "better".  Who cares??  His doesn't even have the nifty tip calculator like mine does, anyway, lol.    Hmm, I guess that is still comparing.  I'm just not going to do it. 

I am sure most adults in the world are much more mature than I, and don't struggle with their flesh like I do.  That's OK, this is my journey.  I'm reminded yet again that no matter how much I stumble and am slow to learn, great is His faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me.  God is still working on this lump of clay.

PS  (can you have a PS on a blog?)
It may have been a poor decision to write when I think I am succumbing to a bug.  I'm pretty sure I have a fever.  It may have affected my judgement in being so candid.  If so, and this has been a shocking revelation, I can only say I am what I am.  I'm thankful my friends already know what a goof I am, and love me anyway.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Taking the first step

Well, I've done it now.  I spoke to my friend, who just so happens to own a local gun shop.  She, by the way, is someone I just love.  She's about as tall as the 3rd graders she teaches in Sunday school every week (OK, maybe a LITTLE taller) but she is a fiesty bundle of energy and joy.  You have to smile when you are around her.  Don't you just love peope like that!  Ah, I am digressing...

I've explained my little project and asked for her help with my September adventure of choice.  I don't think I have every touched a "real" gun.  I'm not counting BB, pellet, or paintball shooters, which I have probably handled just by virtue of having 5 sons.  I don't have any idea if shooting is something I will enjoy.  A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away - my first house with my husband - I did play that Nintendo game:  Duck Hunt.  I played it a lot.   I can still hear it in my mind, the barking dog, the sound of my "shots".   If the fate of those ducks was any indication, "real" animals have nothing to fear from me!  I always thought that Nintendo gun needed to be calibrated or something.

  Recently I had the pleasure of talking with an old friend whose husband is quite an adventurer (if you are ever interested in going to Africa on a hunting safari ask me about his company).  I asked her about going with him.  Frankly I couldn't really picture it, she's so sweet and quiet and gentle.  Oh yeah, she's pretty petite as well.  Maybe I'm too tall to try shooting, lol.  Well, her face lit up like a Christmas tree as she told me how much fun it was.  That pretty much sealed it in my mind.  My pick for September is learning to shoot a gun.

I may have lost you completely with that one, but I'm trying it anyway!  So my gun shop owner pal is on board.  I have been instructed to come on over and she will get me started.  I have also been ordered, I mean asked, to report to a class at church, on September 27.  Who knew it, but the Practical Sports Shooting Ministry (I think that is what PSSM stands for, my hubby might arrange those letters a little differently!) has something going on that day, in September no less, for WOMEN ONLY.  How can I say no to that?

So, I guess I'll get started next week with this one.  I'm a little nervous - I only like to do things I'm good at, you know.  It has been proposed that I pursue obtaning a permit to carry a concealed weapon.  I might not even be saying that right, that's how much I know.  Ms. Gun Shop was, of course, very enthusiastic about that idea.  We'll have to see about that.   First I have to follow through with getting over there and seeing how the initial "session" goes!  I'll say this, if nothing else I am excited about having something in the works, and about any chance to hang out with some good friends!

I have a few other components to this 9 month project, with regard to reading and household things I need to accomplish.  Blogging about them; however, will have to wait for another day.  I hope you are seeking out an adventure of your own!

Monday, August 24, 2009

My First Ever Blog Post!

Somehow this whole thing feels more "real" now that I've taken an official first step.  I must admit, part of me thinks it would have been a better idea to just get on with it in private, and not let anyone know what I was up to.  The other part of me knows better, I would have probably just given up before I started!  Well, what's done is done, so I am determined to press on and get the most from this experience.  I'm very excited!

I suppose it might seem strange that a person could arrive at the ripe old age of 42 and find herself confused about her own likes and dislikes.  I have a pretty good handle on the major "labels" that define me.  I have chosen to be a Christ-follower, I am a wife, the mother of 8 children, the mother-in-law of 1, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister.  I am happy to be a children's choir leader, a home educator's ministry leader, and in September I will again be a Bible study facilitator.  Each of those roles is wonderful, challenging, and I am glad for the opportunity each provides.

My real searching involves the "little" things - that don't seem so little.   To tell you the truth, I think I have been suffering from boredom.  Yes, I am busy.  Many days I think I am too busy, dealing with the urgent and neglecting the important.  You can be busy, and bored.  You can be in a house with 8 other people, and be lonely.  At least I can!  I had already been pondering this issue of boredom when I recently heard an idea that resonated in my spirit - what if mid-life crisis was REALLY mid-life boredom?  As I was still digesting that thought, someone else mentioned this idea of being bored in the context of moving out to do what God calls you to do.   I believe that over the past years, I have developed a habit of letting the "business" and "busy-ness" of my life take over, and I have not been open to trying new things.  I have not been open to doing "old" things I used to enjoy.   If the Lord wanted to me into a "new" area, I think He would have had to literally reach down and pick me up and move me.

As a result, I have become a person seemingly incapable of making a simple decision.  Where do I want to go to dinner?  What would I like to do this evening?  You think of the question, I can provide the "I don't know".  I can also provide a giant list of pros and cons for each side of the simplest question.  This is NOT living.  Where is the fun in analizing each moment to death?  In fact, fun of any kind has been absent from my life for quite some time, and I'm realizing it is because I have not intentionally made sure to include it.

So here I am, standing at the beginning of a purposeful journey.  I am determined to find out what I like, and what I don't.  I am going to spend the next 9 months trying new things, re-trying old things, being open to possibilities, and discovering who I really am.  Lest alarm bells are going off in your mind, I do not mean I am going to go crazy and throw my morals to the wind, nor am I in any way re-considering my faith in Jesus Christ.   I am talking about things people do as hobbies, primarily for simple enjoyment, although some do turn into lifelong passions and careers.  I am going to make decisions - and stick with them!  The sky won't fall.  I might find out I don't really like shooting, or riding a motorcycle all by myself, or hmm, any number of other things.  I might just find out I LOVE scrapbooking or flying, but I'm not counting on it.  I'm just deciding to be open to the possiblity...

Followers