Adrenaline, Self-Pity, M&M's,and Jesus

It's barely 9:00AM and already this is not my favorite day ever.  Seriously, can we go back to yesterday and have a do-over?  I know, there are laws of nature or physics or something that prevent it.  That's why I'm avoiding moving forward in today by blogging.  And eating. About a dozen strawberries, 4 Chips Ahoy cookies, a handful of peanut M&M's and a glass of Wild Cherry Pepsi (from my hidden stash of a 2ltr given to me for Mother's Day by my 16 year old), and I'm beginning to take the edge off.  I believe I have an issue with food.  It's like that BonJovi song....I'll be there for you....and it always is.  But I digress...

First of all we were supposed to be on a field trip today with our homeschool group.  With one kiddo on a fabulous once in an lifetime vacation adventure with her grandparents my other home educated child decided it would be much more fun to hang out with a friend than drive two hours with me, even to a destination she has been begging to visit.  I should have held my ground last night.  When the question was posed and the initial no due to plans today was handed down I should have remained unmoved by guilt at the tears.  I was hot and sweaty and dirty and tired as I tried to finish up my gardening for the day and instead of being the mom I took the easy route and let "fine, if that's what you want" slip out of my mouth.  Oh, the regret was almost instantaneous, but it was too late.  Now it is morning and instead of being an adult and telling myself it is a good lesson learned (stick with my instincts and do what I think is best instead of giving in to emotions - mine or my children's), I am prone to pout.  I can see how easily my flesh was manipulated and my enemy convinced me that I was REJECTED.  I have handed over so much power with that one word.  I'm quite sick of it.

The emotional attack (of my enemy or of my own flesh, I do not know) continues today.  Thoughts of my friends having a wonderful day and my being left out (which is my own fault) flood my mind, as unwelcome as they are.  They try and drag me to discouragement.  They whisper that I never have any fun.  That I'm just the cook/maid/laundress/teacher/gardener, work work work.  I know these are lies.  I know it.  But when I don't turn to the Lord and put my eyes on Jesus the troubles of today (oh how tiny they are, really) grow and grow until I cannot see anything else.  The gnawing tension and discontent is like hunger.  Another cookie might help.  Or 3.

The other big issue I'm wrestling with today involves my husband, my self image, and flat out fear.  You see, my man loves adrenaline.  Some guys play golf, watch football, or garden.  Not mine.  He loves flying - piloting a plane or riding one of his several motorcycles.  He's done the Richard Petty Nascar driving experience thing.  It's what he loves.  Me?  Not so much.  Over the years I have learned to enjoy his passions to a degree.  I love to go on rides with him on a certain motorcycle.  I have flown in the "right seat" on many occasions and tried to relax and enjoy his love of airplanes.  I still would rather be sitting by the pool engrossed in a book of theology or a homeschool catalog, or in the kitchen chopping and sauteing or baking up a "masterpiece" on any given day.  I do love my husband, though.  I want to be a part of the things that bring him pleasure and joy.

Many times I have tried to explain to God that it was different for me, this matter of choosing to enjoy what my husband enjoys.  After all, a woman might be bored to tears watching a baseball game, but I have often been completely terrified at the thought of getting in the plane or on the bike.  I gave myself a little bit of a pass.  About a year ago my man purchased a small motorcycle "for me" (although I suspect it was possibly more for our teenage sons).  He was so cute and excited about the idea of me learning to ride.  I played with it one afternoon out in the yard and then tried to ignore it.  Eventually I took the step of studying for and obtaining my learner's permit.  I did it without telling him because I was a little worried I would chicken out or fail.  I should have realized the studying/test taking part would be right up my alley.  That was the easy bit.

Now I am a permit holder, a bike owner, and I have opened a big can of worms for myself.  I am not one of those girls who grew up with a dirt bike or ATV.  I have no wealth of experience to draw from.  I have pulled the kiddos on sleds with my automatic 4-wheeler, and that's about it.  Learning how to start and stop and shift and brake and stay balanced and turn is completely overwhelming to me.  I feel like it takes 110% of my concentration and even then I might forget and accelerate accidentally.   Add into that my poor self image regarding my body - I'm not some cute 100 pound teenager.  Yes, I know, what do I expect if stress leads me to eat cookies and M&M's and my idea of fun is not going to the gym.  I get that.  It remains a very real factor for me that I look ridiculous on the thing, and it isn't a simple matter to just go buy a cool riding jacket for a full busted woman.  My head is also larger than my husbands, so now that my teenage son has apparently abused my expensive helmet without permission I cannot simply grab one of the many my husband owns and pop it on my big fat head.  I did order some riding boots a couple of years ago, and they saved my skin when we had an accident and I ended up in the road.  I'm so thankful for that.  But the silly things are made with no zipper or laces.  They are the right size, once I get my big feet with the high instep down into them, but that process is so labor intensive it could drive me to drink.  I persevere, and struggle into my gear and try to avoid looking in a mirror so I can pretend I look a little like one of those girls my son is fond of posting pictures of on their bikes on his fb page.  NOT.

I head out, all geared up, and am still afraid.  I cannot manage to get off of the concrete part of my driveway, much less all the way out to the road.  I can spend 30 minutes working on "start" and "stop" - and I mean literally a split second of go followed by an immediate halt.  My feet haven't even made it up to the pegs.  I am so stinking scared and lacking in confidence.  I feel like I am a disappointment and I'm stupid, and my flesh and my enemy get that whole thing cranked up and waves of insecurity wash over me like a flood.  I forget to pray.  It seems silly that Jesus would be interested in helping me with this insignificant "fun".

Which leads me right back to 9:00AM, stuffing my face and wanting to go back to bed and give up on this day.  So I sit down to write, knowing that often when I am too keyed up to sit and pray and read the Holy Spirit speaks softly to my heart as the words roll off of my fingers as smoothly as my man's tire on the road.  Peace starts to come.  The M&;M's and cherry Pepsi sit beside me with no tempting power.

I didn't choose how I was made.  If I had, I'm sure I would have been short, thin, adventurous, and FUN.  If that were the case, however, I wouldn't be ME.  When I was knit together by my Lord, it was with a purpose.  He made me wonderful.  Unique.  With the will to choose.

So for today, I can determine to stop the pity party over the field trip, and rejoice in the beautiful day and the opportunity to catch up on some work around here.  I can count as a blessing the rare moment of solitude for this mother of many.  I can remember that it is not my own will and way that my heart longs for, but His.  When it comes to be being a Motorcycle Mama, I can heed the advice of a good friend who offered me some perspective.  Maybe it's time I took that fear and gave it to the Lord, and determined to just jump in with both feet because my husband really loves this  Time to really trust God and cautiously move forward..  I can't see that I would ever willingly ride the R1, or do a wheelie.  I am a capable, intelligent woman; however, and surely I can learn to go on a little "toodle" once in a while.  I mastered the mower, with those little steering bars instead of a wheel.  It took a while, but I did it.  I drove 9 hours pulling a travel trailer for a family vacation and that was super scary for me, too.  I made it over the Abraham Lincoln Memorial Bridge, down to one lane (outside) due to construction, in the rain.  Even if I made it at less than 5 mph, I DID IT.  Even if truckers laughed at me pulled over to the side of the road to catch my breath after.  I DID IT.  I even manged to work up the courage to drive over that silly bridge to come home. Let me always remember that I was able to do it only by turning to His strength and power.

I know my Lord will help me.  When it comes to me being the kind of wife that brings joy to her husband His will is not in question.  When it comes to a life focused on Him, and not on my roller coaster emotions and false feelings of inadequacy and rejection, He's all in.  I might not walk away from this whole thing without being banged up.  Refining is hard.  Depending on Jesus, not on the temporary satisfaction of a full tummy, is a pursuit worthy of my energy.  If I have to have days like this every single day to drive me back to dealing with that, I will count it as joy.  He's not finished with me yet.  He's at work in me.  I am chosen.  I am smart,  I am kind.  I am important.

Have an adventure today.
D

A Sandpaper Kind of Day

There are so many times that while in the midst of life, times when I am purposefully attempting to serve God, my wicked heart rears its ugly head and I cringe at how easy it is to sin.  I mean seriously, I am doing spiritual things, working hard for the Lord, making a difference, and BAM my flesh rises up and to my utter sadness and humiliation shows itself for all to see.  It would be so much safer to simply keep to myself.  I could manage to breeze in and out of Sunday worship service and no one would likely the be wiser. With my church mask on I could continue with my pet sins, you know the ones, that my family knows about but I can mostly hide from everyone else safely hidden away.

But God is not content to leave me in alone with my sin.  He calls me to not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near (Hebrews 10:25).  I could operate under the assumption that going to Sunday morning service fulfills that mandate.  However, it is in the trenches, as I serve alongside and live life with my brothers and sisters, that real encouragement and real growth occurs.  If my sin habits are never exposed, how can Proverbs 27:17 happen?  As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. 

There are times when I am bumped and the ugly spills out.  When I’m tired, or under pressure, or overwhelmed, or have a headache, or just plain selfish that ick that the Holy Spirit is working on with me can become visible.  For me, perfectionist Type A, keep all the plates spinning and balls juggling me, that sin is a tendency to be sharp and abrasive instead of soft and gentle.  I hurt people.  Oh, not on purpose, never on purpose.  Nevertheless, my take charge motor gets going and I charge on and I say things I later realize are just plain rude and unkind in tone and/or in content.  Sometimes I can see it myself, and sometimes I am completely oblivious.

Why would I write a post about this?  Am I so eager to share my own sin with the world?  No way!  I would like nothing more than to pretend it didn't exist.  Refusing to deal with the hurt I may have caused others or the shame and embarrassment of behaving in ways that hurt my testimony would be the easy thing to do. Simply avoid anyone who may have seen my dark side, now there’s a plan my flesh would like! It doesn’t like to be pruned or refined or sanded.  It feels icky at the time.  Really icky.

I am so thankful that my fellowship, my koinonia, offers me the opportunity to be sharpened.  I am grateful for sisters who do the hard thing, and speak the truth in love.  That is what we are supposed to be about, dear women.  I don’t know what your sin struggle is, but I know you have one (or like me, many!)  Maybe you have a soft and gentle tone and would absolutely never snap or be short.  If so, thank  the Lord for making you that way, or working through that with you.  Whatever your own temptation may be, when others see it, despite the extreme discomfort it brings, they can be used as the Holy Spirit refines you.  We must not neglect meeting together, nor sharpening one another, no speaking the truth in love and encouraging each other.  We must choose to lavish forgiveness on each other .  Not fakey “it’s OK forgiveness” because we think we have to say it.  What a rich treasure we have indeed when we can walk out our faith and our struggles in front of each other with love and accountability and forgiveness.  When it comes to sinners, I am the worst.  I am agonized by that knowledge.  I am, however, blessed beyond measure by my Lord and my sisters.

What's The Big Deal About Lent, Anyway?

It seems as if the Christmas decorations have just been put away (or not, but that's another post), and the Lenten season is already upon us.  Growing up non-practicing Catholic turned forced to church as a teen Catholic turned Christ follower by choice and currently belonging to a Southern Baptist church I really do not know a lot about this special time observed by many Christians in preparation for celebrating the Resurrection.  I do know that I have been very concerned about the amount of time and energy our family puts into celebrating Christmas compared to Easter, and I have not really known a good way to rectify it.  This year I am determined to change that, not only for myself but for my children.  So I've been doing some research.

It seems that most of my church friends of today look at Lent as a weird Catholic thing.  I wondered if there was something I could gain spiritually from it, though.  This past December our family celebrated Advent for the first time.  We were truly blessed by it, and I believe the time we spent each day with our focus on preparing our hearts was the very best part of our celebration.  A dear friend loaned us a copy of a fabulous resource: "Jotham's Journey" by Arnold Ytreeide.  This devotion/story is something I cannot say enough good things about.  You simply MUST check it out.  This is a post about Lent, and so I'm going to restrain myself from going into any more detail about that book, the first of a series of three.  You can read about it for yourself here: http://www.jothamsjourney.com/  I really hope you do. 

This author has written another book, "Amon's Adventure A Family Story for Easter" that I cannot wait to dive into.  It is designed to be used during the Lenten season in much the same way as the Jotham books are used at Advent.  There are twenty-eight chapters or readings that you can decide how and when to use.  With 40 days of Lent (that are actually 46 days) you have some flexibility to choose how to fit it in with your family schedule.   I know, I totally sound like a commercial.  That's OK - I'm not getting paid for it, I really am pumped and excited to start this book.  

Backing up a bit, you may still be wondering what Lent is, and why I might want to participate in it.  We all have seen the focus on fish sandwiches at all the fast food restaurants on Fridays this time of year, not to mention the fish fry frenzy that happens at the Catholic churches.  You may have heard about "giving something up", and laughed as I have what some of the "sacrifices" were.  In the beginning pages of "Amon's Adventure" is the best explanation I have come across.  Rather than try and rewrite is I am going to share Mr. Ytreeide's excellent thoughts.  The credit goes completely to him, with the exception of Scripture quotes.

Rend your heart and not your garments.  Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love .
                                                                                   Joel 2:13

Mr. Ytreeide shares: "Rend your heart.  If a better definition of Lent exists, I don't know what it could be.  The tradition of Lent reaches back to the fourth century A.D.  New converts were baptized on Easter Sunday in those days, and Lent was the official time of preparation for that act of faith.  So, originally, Lent was intended to lead to baptism.

For most Christians today, Lent is more a time of spiritual renewal.  In many churches the focus is still on penance and repentance - of recognizing our own tendencies to sin - but is can also mean any time of concentrated searching for a deeper relationship with God.

The season of Lent is said to last forty days, though if you look at a calendar it actually spans more than that. And in fact, even today, various traditions count the days differently.  In general, though, the forty days of Lent begin on the seventh Wednesday before Easter and run up to Maundy Thursday (the day before Good Friday), without counting any of the Sundays in between. "

So, Lent is a time of preparation for Easter, as I understand it in much the same way as Advent is a time of preparation for Christmas.  The dates aren't particularly important.  Lent is a tradition and not a biblical mandate.  But as Mr. Ytreeide states so well, "In a world that makes it difficult to focus on God and seek him with determination, Lent, like Advent, is a natural and obvious time for such a quest."

With regards to the idea of "giving something up", I personally believe it CAN be useful.  For example if I choose to give up 15 minutes of sleep to choose to spend some extra time in the Word or in prayer how can that not move me closer in relationship to Him?  If I forsake soda, with the intent to focus on Jesus and his sacrifice each time those pangs of desire hit me, I believe that can be a spiritual growth experience.  For myself, whatever I decide to do about sacrifice will be a private matter.  I will remind my children that just as we are not to pray "for show", fasting and sacrifice is not for public display.  That is my opinion based on Scripture.

Our family will be setting aside special time to read through the "Amon" book.  At Advent we lit candles, and I'd like to add that in to our Lenten celebration as well,  Instead of a wreath with multiple candles I plan to put a spring pillar candle in a special holder we keep on our coffee table.  When Good Friday comes around, we will reflect on our own sin, that which Jesus chose to pay the price for.  If I can find a black pillar candle I will replace the spring color with it for that evening.  I will leave the holder empty on Saturday, and have a pure white or possibly a gold candle for Resurrection Sunday.

As I have kept my eyes open on Pinterest for Easter ideas, this blog post caught my eye: http://impressyourkids.org/a-sense-of-the-resurrection/ 
The 10 activities each involve one of the 5 senses and they look like something my children would learn from.  This was an interesting blog post about a "sacrifice jar":  http://threesidedwheel.wordpress.com/2011/04/06/celebrating-lent-the-bean-jar/  I am sure there are many great ideas out there -please feel free to comment if you have or run across them!

My goal with this post was not to give an exhaustive commentary on Lent, but to iron out my own thoughts and perhaps motivate someone else to consider spending some intentional time preparing for celebrating the Resurrection.