Clearing Vision

My first morning with *only* one child at home has come to an end.  He is resting semi-quietly in his room, and I am left with a few moments to reflect.  I'm seeing my life with new eyes lately, as if the smudges are being wiped clean off from glasses.  I don't like some things that are coming into focus.  I do not accomplish what I would like to in my days, and much of that seems to be my own fault.  Some of my friends would be quick to jump in and pat me on the back here.  They would remind me I have 7 children at home, and therefore cannot be expected to get a lot done.  I have used that very excuse myself.  The truth is, if I care to admit it, I can get a lot more done than I do.

I have watched my kids, the ones that struggle with perfectionism or being reluctant to do what they doubt their ability in.  Sometimes I have been absolutely certain they CAN do something, but they become so frustrated with the effort that they simply give up and do nothing.  This makes me crazy to watch.  Sometimes there is a reason for their initial failures.  They may have been coming down with a cold the first time they tried long division, or stayed up way too late the night before.  They may have failed to listen to the instructions and simply tried to figure it out own their own.  They may be giving in to a spirit of laziness, simply not wanting to do anything hard.  Once they do put forth some effort and do not succeed, it becomes nearly impossible to get them to try wholeheartedly with a good attitude.  Ah ha!

I'm beginning to see how often I do those very same things.  In a way I am almost intentionally setting myself up to not accomplish my goals.  Why?  I have no idea, yet.  Perhaps I don't want to raise the bar that high.  Perhaps in my perfectionism, when I finally got to the place (the number of lives I am responsible for) that I could not physically do it all, I gave up.  Maybe I am nursing some anger with other people's failings and this is a way to have a passive-agressive pity party.  I'm not really sure.

The bottom line is that I do have more of some kinds of work than most people who would read these words.  I have laundry for 9, cooking for 9, shopping for 9, training and discipling for 7, and cleaning a home we are blessed to have with a lot of space and a lot of bathrooms.  Yes, my children can and do help with these things to some degree.  The fact is there is still a LOT to be done here.  That being said, I am spending too much time not working.  I'm just being real here.  There are many moments in my day when I am not being productive.  I am not saying there is no time for a break, and no necessity for rest.  I am saying I simply am not doing something enough of the time when I should be.

Jesus assures me that His yoke is easy and His burden in light.  I make a heavy yoke and burden for myself when I fail to do that which I should, and create stress in my own life as a result.  Yes, there have been times I could not.  Right now, however; I am healthy. There is no reason for me to continue to dabble at my work.  How I long for the day when all of the systems will be up and running and I can do what needs doing, and cope with the occasional need to be flexible.  It certainly will happen.  In the meantime, I have mountains to move.  A little at a time.  I'm thankful that He has said with faith I can move mountains.  He never said all at once (Samantha style).  That faith has to be walking hand in hand with action.  Faith without works, like a song you can't sing, it's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine :-)  (Rich Mullins)

It's time to get up and get this party started.