One Is Silver and the Other, Gold

A few years ago I made a desperate plea to God.  "Please, Lord, I need some friends!".  I had lots of people whom I could exchange pleasantries with.  There were a few ladies I could head to a movie with, or out to dinner.  You know the kind of relationships I mean:  "How are you doing?"  "Oh, fine - and you?" - while the world might be falling down around my ears.  This was in my pre-Facebook days, and living out in the semi-country and homeschooling meant my daily contact with adults was frequently pretty minimal.

I was just thinking about those days, and remembering how lonely and depressed I was.  I cried out to Him again and again, and in my human foolishness when He didn't appear to answer I sunk all the lower.  We humans are like that; we want what we want - and think we need - NOW.  Many of us have no patience.  I was looking for a phone call that very day, and obvious answer, a miracle.  It is only in hindsight that I can see with clarity that He was working; weaving together the very answer I sought, but good things often take time.

Some of the very situations, struggles, and circumstances that led me to my knees to begin with have been instrumental in forming bonds, especially over the last year, that otherwise may never had happened.  The painful events that cause the "fine" to turn to truth, the willingness to be transparent before my sisters in Christ, have created lasting bonds and relationships deeper than I could have imagined.

As I have examined what I know about God over the last weeks, answered prayers like that one have come to mind. As I met today with some of my dear friends (the Princess Club), I realized that these ladies KNOW stuff about me.  They know lots of stuff, and much of it isn't pretty.  Yet, they love me anyway.  Some are near to me geographically, and a few are far away, yet I know without a doubt that we are connected for eternity.  I have also been tremendously blessed to re-kindle some friendships from my school days, with lovely ladies who never fail to give the gift of laughter.  I did not realize how much I had missed laughing until my tummy ached - and now I do it every time we get together.  I have also known the joy of seeing decades long friendships with those I see only rarely continue and grow sweeter.  As if that was not enough, in 2010 my communications with my oldest and dearest childhood friends (my cousins) have become much more frequent and we are connected again as we have not been in years.  How did I miss God's hand at work, giving every good gift, happily granting my request?

As the realization washes over me I am overcome with gratitude and a sense of blessing.  I know that I am not alone.  God IS with me, and He has graciously brought others into the circle of my life to love and be loved by.  Oh, I am rich indeed.  In 2011, I want to cherish those friendships.  I wonder if there is another out there, lonely like I was.  Lord,  teach me to be a friend like You.  Use me.  Who do You want me to befriend?

What's a Girl to Do?

So what does a girl like me do for fun on a Friday night?  Well, I was supposed to be out with the family, celebrating a birthday.  It is actually my mom's AND my father-in-law's birthday today.  However, I have a little sickie in the house.  She will be fine, but coughing and fever are not great things to bring to a party!  I found myself alone in the house, with a sleeping little one.

As Christmas approaches, thoughts of that special birthday have crowded my mind for the last week or so.  As I wrestle with my beliefs, the remembrance of Christ's birth is a perfect place to start.  I've been thinking a lot about how we celebrate Christmas.  Not the secular world, but we Christians.  I've read some challenging blogs and facebook posts over the last few days.  I must confess that in many cases our celebrations look exactly like the world's, with some church services and "Jesus" songs thrown in.  Is this how it should be?

Before I go on, I need to be honest.  It is easy for me to be legalistic.  It is in my comfort zone to put myself and God in a neat little box.  Here is what is good and right.  Here is what is wrong.  I am a perfectionist.  I agonize over choosing the correct path.

Over the 22 years I have walked with the Lord, I have put a lot of importance on celebrating in a way that would bring Jesus to the forefront.  I wanted my children to know without a doubt what Christmas is all about.  Our family has many, and I mean many traditions.  Some we tried on for a year or two and I just couldn't make them work with children from age 1 to 20.  Some we have kept in place for decades.  We read the story of Jesus from the book of Luke every Christmas morning.  We are intentional about spiritual things.  We have researched the origins of traditions.  We have limited the gifts in different ways over the years.  When it is all said and done, I still have to wonder.

I love the holidays.  I will watch all the corny Hallmark movies.  I play Christmas music, especially the oldies, until my teenagers are losing their minds. I watch the specials - Rudolph, the Grinch, Charlie Brown.  With all this we have never placed a real focus on Santa.  We don't ignore the concept completely, we just don't make a big deal of it.  The kids don't write letters, or sit on the lap of a mall Santa.  We do leave cookies and milk, and there is one gift for each child under 13 wrapped in Santa paper under the tree.  I love the decorations, the baking, the projects - the whole kit and caboodle!

A pastor friend asked the question, "What grace-filled traditions does your family have at Christmas?"  He went on to explain that while the standard concept is to be good so you deserve a gift,  and giving presents to those that love us and bring us joy.   The truth is that Jesus came as a gift for us when we are not good, we don't deserve it.  I love the question, but I don't have a real answer for it, yet.  It seems like this is a perfect time of year to practice extending grace.  I want some practical ways to put this thought into action.

Another friend has me thinking again about traditions.  Some wonderful links on her blog have caused me to wonder anew about the riches we enjoy every day, and our reluctance to share and get involved with others.  Oh, I know many of us write a check,  giving our offering.  That is a good thing, as far as it goes.  That being said, I have really been challenged by our pastor that following Jesus means doing more than that.  Where am I personally ministering - outside of the church walls?  Am I caring for orphans, widows, prisoners, the downtrodden?  Am I willing to go outside of my comfort zone to do for people who may not seem to appreciate it?  Will I DO something?  Or will I sit back in my insulated "Christian" world, write a check now and again to "do my part" while never really being the hands and feet of Jesus to anyone outside my family and friends?  Who am I reaching out to?

As all this swirls around in my mind, I feel such a weight.  I'm seeking and searching.  It is a good thing.  In the meantime, what does a girl like me do for fun?  Well, as much as some people might be horrified by the thought, I cook.  I absolutely love creating food for others.  It is relaxing.  It is exciting.  Tonight, I made German chocolate cupcakes.  We have a family friend who was on my mind, a single man, who loves German chocolate cake.  I didn't think one guy needed to eat a whole cake, but wanted to give him a little housewarming gift as he moves into a new home.  Making the batter from scratch, deciding to add a ganache, toasting the coconut and pecans before making the icing just to give it that extra "yum" factor, all of that is so satisfying.  If after all that, someone takes a bite of something I have prepared and has that moment of joy that comes from tasting something fine, I am well pleased.  I guess you could say it is the icing on the cake.

Still Looking...

I haven't done such a great job of finding myself.  In fact, if the truth be told, every discovery I make seems to lead to more questions. 2010 has been quite a year for our family.  We have been blessed with some of the deepest friendships we have ever known.  We have walked through a raging storm.  We have made a big move, only to have to make another a short time later.  We have made a complete, drastic change in the way we are educating our children.   It has been a season of being recast - and I'm not sure what we are being made over into.

I have spend the past two decades confident in what I believed.  I have made choices and decisions based on a certainty that was unshakable.  Yet I find myself today, as we enter into the Christmas season, more unsure than I have ever been.  I have so many questions.  I have so little certainty and joy.  As it has my whole life, music continues to speak to me.

.  "I've made it through the year and I did not even collapse.  Gotta say," Thank God for that."  I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half.  I'll fall apart or stay intact.  With tired eyes I stumble back to bed.  I need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread - at least not yet."
                                                           Reliant K
                                                       Merry Christmas,
                                                   Here's to Many More

I have come full circle.  The young woman who embraced faith with passion and enthusiasm has found a need to dig deeper.  There are many hurts in this life.  I am not so foolish that I do not recognize my own struggles pale in comparison to those of most of the world.  I live in comfort and ease.  I don't know that my mind truly comprehends that there are people in this world who live in conditions I cannot imagine.  I am not at all equating my pain or suffering to theirs.  I am, however, compelled to explore the depths of things that I have believed.

Am I in the midst of a mid-life crisis?  I suppose it is possible.  Am I jaded and burned out by the hypocrisy I have seen, in myself, in others, in "Christians"?  I am certain that is part of it.  Am I in the midst of some sort of spiritual war?  I would say yes to that as well.  So where does that leave me?

For now, I have a greater need than Finding Myself.  What I truly need is to find God.  More of Him, a deeper walk,  more "real" relationship, a certainty and assured-ness that I once possessed.  I do not want an empty life, full of ritual and tradition, yet lacking in vibrancy.  If there is one thing I have learned from my husband, it is to be who I am.  Yes, people may turn away.  Yes, not everyone will be comfortable with transparency.  And that is OK.

I am reading "The Case for Faith" right now, and believing that as I seek Him, He will be found.
 ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.  Hebrews 11:6

The Adventure Continues...