On Monday a note came home from Kindergarten explaining the class would be reviewing colors over the next few weeks. There was a schedule of what color would be the focus each day, and a request that the kids dress in clothing of the day's hue. No problem! At least until I went downstairs to the girls' room to help Sophie find a red shirt and her denim skirt.
I was stunned to see that once again the clothes I had washed, dried, folded, and sent down in their buckets to be put away in the closet are heaped on the floor. Dirty laundry mixed in with the clean, dress-up items, gymnastics and ballet outfits, all of it strewn about as if a fashion burglar had ransacked the room. I can't say I have never seen anything like this before. Several times over the course of the past 7 or 8 years since the oldest daughter acquired a lower level bedroom this situation has arisen. Once in this condition, it is not possible for the girls to fix it totally on their own. This means I have gone down and sorted, organized, re-vamped, etc, or supervised their efforts again and again. This process is ALWAYS miserable for everyone involved. It has usually been preceded by my attempt to pack the kiddos for a vacation, find an outfit for a special occasion, or the rare total house cleanup. It involved much anger and irritation on my part over their poor stewardship of their possessions. It is a major stressor. It makes me blow my top.
I am trying to figure out where the breakdown in the process/system occurs. I am concluding the problem is with me following up on checking their rooms, and applying reasonable consequences when they choose to not meet expectations. This happens with the downstairs bedrooms in large part because I don't WANT to go down there. It is always a huge mess. Even when it is clean for a week or so it doesn't seem like part of the house, I don't like it down there. Because of this, I have been lazy. It is faulty logic, because avoiding the few minutes downstairs checking ALWAYS results in hours and hours of my time being spent (WASTED) on doing the same work again and again, be it room organization or laundry.
It is time to overcome these bad habits once and for all. There is no reason for any part of our home to be such a mess. This is not some toys out being played with, or a few pieces of lint on the carpet. No, this room looks like it belongs on one of those reality shows. In fact, the ENTIRE lower level, all 2000 plus finished square feet is like that. It robs me of joy. It steals my peace. It makes it impossible for me to practice hospitality (as commanded in the Word) without risk of total humiliation. It is simply unacceptable.
I am tempted to post a picture to illustrate how bad it really is. I can't bring myself to do it, however. I will also be tempted to spin my wheels, not knowing where to start. Do I neglect the maintenance upstairs to focus on the disaster downstairs? I tend to think in "if only's". If only I had two weeks with no kids to really dig in and get it done. If only I had designed the layout different down there. I felt rushed to get the floor plan done for construction. If only I could back build some of the rooms. If only I had the money for new paint, furniture, etc. I can keep going and going until NOTHING is done.
My personality needs a plan, and structure. My next goal on the to-do list is to make a plan for getting the upstairs in reasonable order and getting started on the girls' room. I'm giving myself today to accomplish the plan making. Digging out of this mess is not going to be easy. I would rather avoid it. I want more to be where God wants me to be, and not be in bondage to the mess. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will do it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Clearing Vision
My first morning with *only* one child at home has come to an end. He is resting semi-quietly in his room, and I am left with a few moments to reflect. I'm seeing my life with new eyes lately, as if the smudges are being wiped clean off from glasses. I don't like some things that are coming into focus. I do not accomplish what I would like to in my days, and much of that seems to be my own fault. Some of my friends would be quick to jump in and pat me on the back here. They would remind me I have 7 children at home, and therefore cannot be expected to get a lot done. I have used that very excuse myself. The truth is, if I care to admit it, I can get a lot more done than I do.
I have watched my kids, the ones that struggle with perfectionism or being reluctant to do what they doubt their ability in. Sometimes I have been absolutely certain they CAN do something, but they become so frustrated with the effort that they simply give up and do nothing. This makes me crazy to watch. Sometimes there is a reason for their initial failures. They may have been coming down with a cold the first time they tried long division, or stayed up way too late the night before. They may have failed to listen to the instructions and simply tried to figure it out own their own. They may be giving in to a spirit of laziness, simply not wanting to do anything hard. Once they do put forth some effort and do not succeed, it becomes nearly impossible to get them to try wholeheartedly with a good attitude. Ah ha!
I'm beginning to see how often I do those very same things. In a way I am almost intentionally setting myself up to not accomplish my goals. Why? I have no idea, yet. Perhaps I don't want to raise the bar that high. Perhaps in my perfectionism, when I finally got to the place (the number of lives I am responsible for) that I could not physically do it all, I gave up. Maybe I am nursing some anger with other people's failings and this is a way to have a passive-agressive pity party. I'm not really sure.
The bottom line is that I do have more of some kinds of work than most people who would read these words. I have laundry for 9, cooking for 9, shopping for 9, training and discipling for 7, and cleaning a home we are blessed to have with a lot of space and a lot of bathrooms. Yes, my children can and do help with these things to some degree. The fact is there is still a LOT to be done here. That being said, I am spending too much time not working. I'm just being real here. There are many moments in my day when I am not being productive. I am not saying there is no time for a break, and no necessity for rest. I am saying I simply am not doing something enough of the time when I should be.
Jesus assures me that His yoke is easy and His burden in light. I make a heavy yoke and burden for myself when I fail to do that which I should, and create stress in my own life as a result. Yes, there have been times I could not. Right now, however; I am healthy. There is no reason for me to continue to dabble at my work. How I long for the day when all of the systems will be up and running and I can do what needs doing, and cope with the occasional need to be flexible. It certainly will happen. In the meantime, I have mountains to move. A little at a time. I'm thankful that He has said with faith I can move mountains. He never said all at once (Samantha style). That faith has to be walking hand in hand with action. Faith without works, like a song you can't sing, it's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine :-) (Rich Mullins)
It's time to get up and get this party started.
I have watched my kids, the ones that struggle with perfectionism or being reluctant to do what they doubt their ability in. Sometimes I have been absolutely certain they CAN do something, but they become so frustrated with the effort that they simply give up and do nothing. This makes me crazy to watch. Sometimes there is a reason for their initial failures. They may have been coming down with a cold the first time they tried long division, or stayed up way too late the night before. They may have failed to listen to the instructions and simply tried to figure it out own their own. They may be giving in to a spirit of laziness, simply not wanting to do anything hard. Once they do put forth some effort and do not succeed, it becomes nearly impossible to get them to try wholeheartedly with a good attitude. Ah ha!
I'm beginning to see how often I do those very same things. In a way I am almost intentionally setting myself up to not accomplish my goals. Why? I have no idea, yet. Perhaps I don't want to raise the bar that high. Perhaps in my perfectionism, when I finally got to the place (the number of lives I am responsible for) that I could not physically do it all, I gave up. Maybe I am nursing some anger with other people's failings and this is a way to have a passive-agressive pity party. I'm not really sure.
The bottom line is that I do have more of some kinds of work than most people who would read these words. I have laundry for 9, cooking for 9, shopping for 9, training and discipling for 7, and cleaning a home we are blessed to have with a lot of space and a lot of bathrooms. Yes, my children can and do help with these things to some degree. The fact is there is still a LOT to be done here. That being said, I am spending too much time not working. I'm just being real here. There are many moments in my day when I am not being productive. I am not saying there is no time for a break, and no necessity for rest. I am saying I simply am not doing something enough of the time when I should be.
Jesus assures me that His yoke is easy and His burden in light. I make a heavy yoke and burden for myself when I fail to do that which I should, and create stress in my own life as a result. Yes, there have been times I could not. Right now, however; I am healthy. There is no reason for me to continue to dabble at my work. How I long for the day when all of the systems will be up and running and I can do what needs doing, and cope with the occasional need to be flexible. It certainly will happen. In the meantime, I have mountains to move. A little at a time. I'm thankful that He has said with faith I can move mountains. He never said all at once (Samantha style). That faith has to be walking hand in hand with action. Faith without works, like a song you can't sing, it's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine :-) (Rich Mullins)
It's time to get up and get this party started.
Sleepless
Tomorrow is the first day of school. We explained the new (old) routines, read, prayed, tucked in, and enjoyed a little peace and quiet before going to bed. Here I am, 2 hours later, wide awake! I think I almost have the Christmas Eve feeling; excitement, anticipation, curiosity. You would think I was the one getting on that big yellow bus in the morning!
It will certainly be strange to have all 6 school age kiddos gone for the day. With eleven years of home schooling all, most, or some of them I am not quite sure how I feel, or what I will do with myself! I am missing the comfortable familiarity of pouring over the curriculum catalogs, making lists, and placing the orders. The UPS man hasn't been ringing my doorbell. It is a big change, and I don't do change well. It is going to be an interesting year.
Not that I will lack for things to do. It seems that the years of expanding our family combined with taking care of them, including the schooling, have left many thing undone around here. I'm not sure how the molehills turned into mountains. Maybe it was the every other year pregnancies. I didn't do them well. Each time I started out with high hopes - this time I will NOT be exhausted and sick for months on end. It always worked out the same; with me on the couch, semi-alive, and in a state of DPD (During Pregnancy Depression).
With the baby turning 4 in a month, I suppose the hormones have finally returned to "normal". (Just in time for pre-menopause, I'm predicting!) I am now faced with with re-training in almost every area of my life. My physical body, my mind, my emotions, and my spiritual life all need work, as do my home and my relationships. I will have to fight my natural urges to jump in and just start fixing things as opposed to making the needed changes one step at a time so they can become habits and have a good chance of sticking.
The past year God showed me many things I didn't really want to see. He showed me how much I was living in little boxes that I put myself in (and tried to put Him in, as well). I am more than a little overwhelmed at facing all the messes, both the literal and figurative. I want to wiggle my nose like Samantha and just start fixing stuff. That's not how it works on this adventure though. There is work to the "working it out", and being transformed doesn't happen in an instant, but is a process.
I'm a little bit scared (read totally terrified) that the ones He brought into my life to help me get to the path I need to be on are leaving. Yet I know that fear does not come from God. Ultimately, He is all I need, He is sufficient, He is more than enough. It is time for this baby bird to leave the nest. We were talking with the kids tonight about the lessons they will learn in this new school year. The most important thing any of us can come to know after we choose to follow Christ is how to live a life that pleases God. Yet all the knowledge we can attain is useless if we never put it into practice. What good does it do for me to know how to make a fantastic chocolate cake if I don't ever bake one? Does it benefit me to learn to speak French but never utter a word of it?
I have been given the information. I have the tools. It is time to pick them up, and intentionally enter the training phase. When May comes around, and I am rejoicing at the summer spread before me with all it's freedom and lazy days, I plan to be a different woman than I am today. I want to please my Father in all I do. I want to be refined until His image is reflected in me. I'm not going to just try. I am going to train.
It will certainly be strange to have all 6 school age kiddos gone for the day. With eleven years of home schooling all, most, or some of them I am not quite sure how I feel, or what I will do with myself! I am missing the comfortable familiarity of pouring over the curriculum catalogs, making lists, and placing the orders. The UPS man hasn't been ringing my doorbell. It is a big change, and I don't do change well. It is going to be an interesting year.
Not that I will lack for things to do. It seems that the years of expanding our family combined with taking care of them, including the schooling, have left many thing undone around here. I'm not sure how the molehills turned into mountains. Maybe it was the every other year pregnancies. I didn't do them well. Each time I started out with high hopes - this time I will NOT be exhausted and sick for months on end. It always worked out the same; with me on the couch, semi-alive, and in a state of DPD (During Pregnancy Depression).
With the baby turning 4 in a month, I suppose the hormones have finally returned to "normal". (Just in time for pre-menopause, I'm predicting!) I am now faced with with re-training in almost every area of my life. My physical body, my mind, my emotions, and my spiritual life all need work, as do my home and my relationships. I will have to fight my natural urges to jump in and just start fixing things as opposed to making the needed changes one step at a time so they can become habits and have a good chance of sticking.
The past year God showed me many things I didn't really want to see. He showed me how much I was living in little boxes that I put myself in (and tried to put Him in, as well). I am more than a little overwhelmed at facing all the messes, both the literal and figurative. I want to wiggle my nose like Samantha and just start fixing stuff. That's not how it works on this adventure though. There is work to the "working it out", and being transformed doesn't happen in an instant, but is a process.
I'm a little bit scared (read totally terrified) that the ones He brought into my life to help me get to the path I need to be on are leaving. Yet I know that fear does not come from God. Ultimately, He is all I need, He is sufficient, He is more than enough. It is time for this baby bird to leave the nest. We were talking with the kids tonight about the lessons they will learn in this new school year. The most important thing any of us can come to know after we choose to follow Christ is how to live a life that pleases God. Yet all the knowledge we can attain is useless if we never put it into practice. What good does it do for me to know how to make a fantastic chocolate cake if I don't ever bake one? Does it benefit me to learn to speak French but never utter a word of it?
I have been given the information. I have the tools. It is time to pick them up, and intentionally enter the training phase. When May comes around, and I am rejoicing at the summer spread before me with all it's freedom and lazy days, I plan to be a different woman than I am today. I want to please my Father in all I do. I want to be refined until His image is reflected in me. I'm not going to just try. I am going to train.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Back to School
I love this time of year. It is as much a new beginning in my life as is January. Much life has occurred since I last posted. God had many lessons for me to learn during the last school year. In fact, this stubborn student had to spend some time at the Alternative School. I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me. I am excited to be moving up to the next grade in the school of life and am looking forward to being able to share here what I am learning. The blog is all set with a new look. Can't you just smell the new crayons, markers, and folders?
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