Still Looking...

I haven't done such a great job of finding myself.  In fact, if the truth be told, every discovery I make seems to lead to more questions. 2010 has been quite a year for our family.  We have been blessed with some of the deepest friendships we have ever known.  We have walked through a raging storm.  We have made a big move, only to have to make another a short time later.  We have made a complete, drastic change in the way we are educating our children.   It has been a season of being recast - and I'm not sure what we are being made over into.

I have spend the past two decades confident in what I believed.  I have made choices and decisions based on a certainty that was unshakable.  Yet I find myself today, as we enter into the Christmas season, more unsure than I have ever been.  I have so many questions.  I have so little certainty and joy.  As it has my whole life, music continues to speak to me.

.  "I've made it through the year and I did not even collapse.  Gotta say," Thank God for that."  I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half.  I'll fall apart or stay intact.  With tired eyes I stumble back to bed.  I need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread - at least not yet."
                                                           Reliant K
                                                       Merry Christmas,
                                                   Here's to Many More

I have come full circle.  The young woman who embraced faith with passion and enthusiasm has found a need to dig deeper.  There are many hurts in this life.  I am not so foolish that I do not recognize my own struggles pale in comparison to those of most of the world.  I live in comfort and ease.  I don't know that my mind truly comprehends that there are people in this world who live in conditions I cannot imagine.  I am not at all equating my pain or suffering to theirs.  I am, however, compelled to explore the depths of things that I have believed.

Am I in the midst of a mid-life crisis?  I suppose it is possible.  Am I jaded and burned out by the hypocrisy I have seen, in myself, in others, in "Christians"?  I am certain that is part of it.  Am I in the midst of some sort of spiritual war?  I would say yes to that as well.  So where does that leave me?

For now, I have a greater need than Finding Myself.  What I truly need is to find God.  More of Him, a deeper walk,  more "real" relationship, a certainty and assured-ness that I once possessed.  I do not want an empty life, full of ritual and tradition, yet lacking in vibrancy.  If there is one thing I have learned from my husband, it is to be who I am.  Yes, people may turn away.  Yes, not everyone will be comfortable with transparency.  And that is OK.

I am reading "The Case for Faith" right now, and believing that as I seek Him, He will be found.
 ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.  Hebrews 11:6

The Adventure Continues...